A Super Bowl win or loss wouldn't have changed the fact the San Francisco 49ers' 2019 season was one to remember.

Especially for me, someone who started off casually blogging about the team way back in 2011, only to find myself in a position I never thought I'd be -- someone who actually gets paid to write about this 49ers squad and someone who has the fortunate luxury of being part of the credentialed media.

It's hard to figure out where to start with this. So I'll just begin with that 2011 season, which was the very same year I met my wife, Kristy. It helped she was also a die-hard Niners fan, someone who could easily call out the numbers worn by all those 49ers greats over the years, including players many of you have long forgotten about. She'd tell me stories of her and her grandmother going to Candlestick Park way back in the day, seeing quarterback Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers end the 49ers' postseason runs seemingly year after year, only to have the Niners get their vengeance in 1999.

Kristy and I bonded over many things: our love of dogs, fondness to travel and especially our 49ers. Game days were always fun in the Panacy household. I'd be writing about the game as it happened, then for hours afterwards. Kristy would make all kinds of snacks, then cheer louder than I ever would. Afterwards, once the coaches film came out, we'd watch the all-22 game tape together.


And I'm not ashamed to say she'd point out things I missed.

More importantly, Kristy pushed me to work harder in my writing. It started with Bleacher Report, then FanSided and eventually included 49ers Webzone. The opportunities began to open up. I still remember that moment when B/R called upon me to go interview Hall of Fame greats Jerry Rice and Steve Young back in 2014. I asked if Kristy could join me -- Rice and Young were her absolute favorites, after all -- and permission was granted.

The best part of that? Young introduced himself to Kristy first, then the rest of the media team there. Even more amusing and fitting, Kristy actually ended up beating me to Levi's Stadium, getting an exclusive behind-the-scenes tour of the entire facility, press box, locker rooms, field and the 49ers museum.


San Francisco lost that game. And the team finished the season 4-12. But that didn't matter. The rest of 2018 was a complete blur. Being in the press box at remaining 49ers games didn't feel real, just like Kristy's passing didn't feel real. None of it did. It was all just a dream, one from which I'd never wake up.

The 49ers' 2019 campaign was different. That year was different for me, too. I had found some footing and managed to cope a bit more, thanks largely to the efforts of people like Kristy's mom, my friend Jeremy, 49ers Webzone's David Bonilla and a large number of Niners writers and bloggers, who supported me in ways I can't begin to describe or give thanks in return.


And the Niners started winning again. Winning big. A 4-0 record, then 5-0, demolishing the Cleveland Browns on Monday Night Football. 7-0, 9-1, 10-1 after throttling the Packers on Sunday Night Football. There was the playoff clincher, albeit a loss to the Atlanta Falcons, then the two dominant postseason games against the Minnesota Vikings and Packers.

I was there.

In many ways, Kristy was right there with me, too. Every time I walked into the press box at Levi's Stadium, I'd quietly say hi to her under my breath. Every time I went into the 49ers locker room, I'd joke to myself how she had been there first. But I'd always think to myself, "I hope she's proud of me." Then, when I'd be back at my work station in the press box long after all the fans had departed, I'd look out over a lighted and completely empty Levi's Stadium and think of my wife again.

I miss her dearly.

Sure, it would have been a Cinderella story if the 49ers had won Super Bowl LIV, capping off a season in which Kristy would have been ecstatic. All of us would have felt the same way. But like many things in life, the ending isn't always perfect. Instead, you look back at all the memories along the way, cherishing what was instead of what could have been. Like my marriage, the Niners' 2019 season ended in heartbreak. Although there are far too many good memories and moments to cloud the bad ones. Maybe that's the lesson.


It's a lesson I think most of us could appreciate. Cherish those moments and memories you create, whether they be in life, at Levi's Stadium, home watching the games with loved ones or whatever. You never know how many more moments you'll get.

For me, the 2019 49ers carried me through some dark times. They gave me something to look forward to, to celebrate and cherish, all the while knowing Kristy wanted me here, doing this. I'm living her dream for me.

Live yours.

I love and miss you, Kristy. Go Niners!

Written By:

Peter Panacy


Peter Panacy has been writing about the 49ers since 2011 for outlets like Bleacher Report, Niner Noise, 49ers Webzone, and is occasionally heard as a guest on San Francisco's 95.7 FM The Game and the Niners' flagship station, KNBR 680. Feel free to follow him, or direct any inquiries to his Twitter account.
All articles by Peter Panacy
@PeterPanacy
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