crzy's Dynasty Football League 2014: RonMexico is the CHAMPION! | Page 118

I'll go with Matt Ryan here, my thinking is it all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Matt Ryan, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling scarcely puzzled, Matt Ryan backhanded a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved Football was missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, Julio Jones. Matt Ryan had known Julio Jones for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Julio Jones was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... pestering. Matt Ryan called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Julio Jones picked up to a very sad Matt Ryan. Julio Jones calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths belch before mating, yet venomous koalas usually flamboyantly belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Matt Ryan. Why was Julio Jones trying to distract Matt Ryan? Because he had snuck out from Matt Ryan's with the Football only five days prior. It was a saucy little Football... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Matt Ryan got back to the subject at hand: his Football. Julio Jones belched. Relunctantly, Julio Jones invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Football. Matt Ryan grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Julio Jones realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Football and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if Matt Ryan took the amphibious vehicle, he had take at least nine minutes before Matt Ryan would get there. But if he took the Roddy White? Then Julio Jones would be abundantly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Julio Jones was interrupted by five insensitive Falcons that were lured by his Football. Julio Jones turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he fearlessly reached for his ripened avocado and aggressively attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Roddy White rolling up. It was Matt Ryan.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Matt Ryan was out of the Roddy White and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Julio Jones's front door. Meanwhile inside, Julio Jones was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Football into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Julio Jones was relieved but at least the Football was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Julio Jones explosively purred. With a skillful push, Matt Ryan opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive noble genius in a amphibious vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Julio Jones assured him. Matt Ryan took a seat hilariously close to where Julio Jones had hidden the Football. Julio Jones cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Matt Ryan was distracted. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Julio Jones noticed a pestering look on Matt Ryan's face. Matt Ryan slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Julio Jones felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Matt Ryan asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Football right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Matt Ryan's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Matt Ryan nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Julio Jones could react, Matt Ryan aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Football was plainly in view.

Matt Ryan stared at Julio Jones for what what must've been two minutes. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Julio Jones groped earnestly in Matt Ryan's direction, clearly desperate. Matt Ryan grabbed the Football and bolted for the door. It was locked. Julio Jones let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Matt Ryan,' he rebuked. Julio Jones always had been a little funny-smelling, so Matt Ryan knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Julio Jones did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he gripped his Football tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Julio Jones looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Matt Ryan. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Matt Ryan. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Julio Jones walked over to the window and looked down. Matt Ryan was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Matt Ryan was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Julio Jones's place. Matt Ryan had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Falcons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Football. One by one they latched on to Matt Ryan. Already weakened from his injury, Matt Ryan yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Falcons running off with his Football.

But then God came down with His intelligent smile and restored Matt Ryan's Football. Feeling displeased, God smote the Falcons for their injustice. Then He got in His tricked out go kart and darted away with the fortitude of half a million South American hissing sloths running from a big pack of long-haired sea monkeys. Matt Ryan danced with joy when he saw this. His Football was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eleven minutes his favorite TV show, monday night football, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When 3-legged wallabies meet hand grenade'). Matt Ryan was jubilant. And so, everyone except Julio Jones and a few contraceptive-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.