A Story about Paranormal Investigation and Elimination

October 2021.

A man with his back to the camera is watching Sportscenter on one monitor, while breaking down film on another. "The 49ers all-world Tight End, George Kittle is going on IR for the next couple of weeks, team sources indicate that his calf is injured and needs to rest, in other news....

He then turned toward the camera.



Across the country, another man, this time facing the camera, bids his customers farewell as he closes up his J-pop/K-pop fandom shop, but out of the corner of his eye, he catches the Sportscenter report.

Alarmed, he turns and picks up the phone and dials a number. On the other end, a voice answers,"I saw it, too, VA." "Jonny, we should call.... "Already received a message from him, he's good to go", Jonny responds. "VA"Jonny starts and then his voice trails off for a second,"we are going to have to call him, too. Do you know where we can find...Fro?" Exasperated, "No", VA starts and pauses, "but, knowing him, I think I know where to look."

Part I: The Lounge Singer that Can't Sing

Setting: A Sizzler along Interstate 40 in a small Armpit of a town, US of A. A Cab, no, nobody takes Cabs anymore, a shady looking Uber/Lyft driver in a Prius rolls to a silent stop. Out steps VA, Jonny Del, and Mr. Ernie Hudson.

VA: Hey Ernie, we really appreciate you coming with us to find Fro. We are all really big fa...


EH: Who the hell are you guys? I didn't really know Bill, Dan, or Harold, I just worked with those guys back in the eighties! I have a career besides Ghostbusters, okay?

VA looks over at Jonny Del and says: I thought you said he was on board?

JD: Did I say that? I am sorry, I meant I kidnapped him.


VA: YOU WHAT?

JD: Look, I did not have time to explain to him the situation and that the Niners really needed some help and well, I met him at a meet and greet, I offered a chance to dine with us at the Sizzler for all you can eat Barbecue rib night, and getting the reference, he agreed.

EH: I was also in The Crow, you a*****es!


RIP Brandon Lee, the son of the Dragon.

VA: And he was in Desperate Housewives

JD stares at VA

VA: What, it was a dope show. Eva Longoria was quite pretty. Still is...



From behind the Camera a voice calls out:


This is totally what I imagine that James (JRG) looks like.

JRG: Dude, DH was DOOOOOOOOPPPPPPE. For that matter, so was OZ! EH was in that, too!

EH: Thank you.

VA: Oh snap, he was in OZ.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BLOKES DOING? A shadowy figure gets up from his Director's chair and walks into the scene.


English: Gentlemen, we are on a deadline, and you see, we are wayyyyyy behind. So, I wanted to introduce you to my friend, William Thomas Gunn. And he would really like you all to get back to work.

VA: WORK, GOT IT. Boys, into the Sizzler.

Inside the Sizzler, they can hear music coming from the open dining room. As they enter it, they see Hawaiian drums, a luau-esque spread, yet, in the cheesiest of fashions. And the worst lounge singer this side of the Mississippi. Fropwns.

FP: Helloooooo, everyone welcome to the Sizzlers' Coconut Cabana lounge, where you, yes, you friend, can enjoy our famous all you can eat BBQ ribs and free twisty pretzels for the kids! My name is Fro and I want you to imagine that we are not, for one moment, in the middle of godforsaken nowhere and that we are on a tropical getaway. Yes, you friends, can come along with me as we sing some of your favorites. Speaking of which, here is a little favorite of mine. Hit it, Ralphie.



FP: I don't practice Santeria, I ain't got no crystal ball

"Well, I had a million dollars but I'd, I'd spend it all
If I could find that Heina and that Sancho that she's found
Well, I'd pop a cap in Sancho and I'd slap her down"

FP: Walking over to an elderly woman. Tonight we have a birthday girl who is eighty years young. Ethel, we at the Sizzler want to thank you, darling, for spending your golden years with us. Now, where was I? Ah yes...

"What I really want to know
Ah, baby, mm
What I really want to say
I can't define
Well it's love that I need
Oh, my soul will have to wait 'til I get back and find
Heina of my own
Daddy's gonna love one and all
I feel the break, feel the break
Feel the break and I got to live it up, oh yeah huh"

FP: Strolls over to the salad bar and swipes a Cherry tomato. Folks, I have dined with kings and queens, but enough about Burger King and Drag Queens! We all know the Fro loves everyone and if you don't like Ru Paul, then, well, b***h, you don't know what you are missing. But really? Have you seen a spread like this before? 5.99 with your choice of beverage.

Goes back to singing.

"Well, I swear that I, well I really want to know
Ah, baby, what I really want to say, I can't define
That love, make it go, my soul will have to...
Ooh, what I really want to say, ah baby
What I really want to say, is I've got mine
And I'll make it, yes, I'm going up
Tell Sanchito that if he knows what is good for him
He best go run and hide
Daddy's got a new .45
And I won't think twice to stick that barrel straight down Sancho's throat
Believe me when I say that I got something for his punk ass"

FP: Walks over to a table of young girls. Hello, ladies. Of all the places you could go, you choose the Cabana eh? Why?

Table: YOU!

FP: Ahh shucks, I am just a little old singer in a two-bit town trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents. But really, the Fro thanks you. You must know, though, I am a married man. That said, I thank you for your patronage.

Finishes the song.

"What I really want know, my baby
Ooh, what I really want to say is there's just one way back
And I'll make it, yeah, my soul will have to wait

Yeah, yeah, yeah"

PART II

Flummoxed, as he puts some powder on his face before his second act, Fro says..

FP: VA, guys, Ghostbusting is dead; and besides, you guys know BBQ rib night is the biggest night of the week. I mean the amount I pull in for the lounge has to be huge.

JD: According to the numbers, the Sizzler loses money when you perform.

FP: But, but...BBQ is KING at the Sizzler! https://www.sizzler.com/bbq-is-back

JD: BBQ, yes, your singing, no.

FP: Are you going to also tell me that if you drill a hole in Jimmy GQ's head, you can fix his consistency problems?

JD: That would have worked on J.J. Stokes if you hadn't tried to stop me.

Fro rolls his eyes.

FP: Okay, so what is so big about the NIners struggling? I mean their top RB is out, CB is out, Josh Norman is garbag-o, and Jimmy GQ is Jimmy GQ. Good, bad and ugly. I mean if we make it to the playoffs, we should be grateful.

EH: HELLO, KIDNAPPED MAN HERE!

Looks over at EH.


FP: Turns and looks at VA, then stops, pivots his head toward JD and says...You kidnapped, Ernie f**king Hudson? I mean, I like him as much as anybody. But who kidnaps the "Fourth Ghostbuster"?

WHOA! WHOA! A voice off screen yells out.


Jankie: EH was on St. Elsewhere! That ish was tight!

INTERLUDE:

2021 has been full of highs and, sadly, many lows. As we strive toward normalcy, we here at Fropwns productions have simply one question for you.


Please answer in the comments below.

PART III: I Ain't Afraid of No Ghost.


JD: I don't like it, VA. There's a lot of activity on the Jimmy meter.
VA: Yeah, I hear you, but the secondary is really not tha...
JD: Consider this grabs a Twinkee


EH: shaking his head I am not going to say it.
JD: looking at EH Let's say this is the Jimmy Meter today, small, flaccid, and generally unimpressive. But, let's go back to Jimmy against the Saints during the Super Bowl run...


EH: Sweating I'm not gonna do it, I am a f**king hostage....ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!

EH:

Meanwhile, Fropwns walks into the containment room and proclaims...


FP: I'm beat, we've been at it for weeks. You said it would be a couple of days, but we have not caught a break. There is just so much negative psychic energy around the Niners. How is the Jimmy meter holding up?

JD: Not good.

EH: NO! I won't do it. You tricked me, kidnapped me, made me dress in my clothes from 1983-84 and now, against my will, I am doing the lines........ARGHHHHHHHHH. FINE.

EH:

FP: Two things. You are always free to leave, but if you want to stay, we have your uniform and we could really use your help. Second...

INTERLUDE II:
After learning about "the Twinkee", Fro heads upstairs where he is greeted by Luv.


Luv: Hey Fro, what about the help you promised me?

FP: Luv, you are a legend. Anyone of your qualifications would merit you starring in any post, any where, at any time, let alone playing a cameo in our humble little thread. You more than hold your own with the clowns around here. As for the help, I got to deal with an upset, understandably so, Ernie Hudson, who the guys just happened to have kidnapped about two months ago from a GhostBusters fan convention. I have to deal with VA and his continuous J-pop obsession. Where the hell is VA anyway? And on top of that, JD tells me that the Jimmy meter has dropped to prepubescent when we need it at "John Holmes". AND ON TOP OF IT ALL, I am missing my second shift at the Sizzler. *Sighs* We all have problems.



*Phone rings*

Part IV: The Jimmy Meter



JD taps the glass on the Jimmy Meter and stares glumly at the needle pointing at the "J".

JD: I don't like the look of it, VA. Not at all.

VA: Things have only gotten worse since he tore his thumb and has a bone chip or something. 49ers fans have given up hope and the demons of our past are growing stronger.

THUD! THUD! THUD! The THUDDING was rhythmic, like the sound of footsteps, but more colossal in scope. VA and JD look up at the ceiling as it shook.

VA: I thought Fro said we did not get the rights to use the Stay Puff Marshmallow man, something about the Smackover, Arkansas Hot Chocolate Incident of 1984 where he said Stay Puffs were dry (they are), not very tasty (they are not) and they lack the sophistication God gave to a lump of s**t (they totally lack any semblance of sophistication) as opposed to Kraft Marshmallows?

I mean, who...would dare whore out an intellectual property like this? Who would dare?

PBS: Sorry to break into your regularly posted Fropwns holiday thread, but I am Judy Woodruff and this is PBS News Hour. This just in, Disney would be willing to whore out intellectual property in the manner that you speak. But, alas, we could not afford Disney. So, no, I am afraid this is not another recycling of Star Wars in some manner that would get all of your collective panties in a wad. No, I am afraid, this is something far more sinister....



It's the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

Part V: The BLT of it all.

The Ghostbusters are on top of the roof staring down at a sea of angry red killer tomatoes.

Fro: What did you do, VA?!?!


VA" Why couldn't it have been Hikaru Utada? Or

Hikaru does not listen, they wait.

the Great Shimazaki Haruka paruru?

Yes, kitten, that's blood.

VA Continues lamenting Why did it have to be thousands of tomatoes?

EH: Wait, I don't get it. How could tomatoes make thudding sounds?

FP: What goes good with Tomatoes?

EH: Lettuce.

FP: And?

EH: Oh no.

FP: Oh yes....



JD: This only means one thing.

VA: Sighs A BLT is attacking the city.

Final: Time to Save the Day

VA pleads with the guys as he gets into the car.

VA: I was thinking about the whole Jimmy thing and the thumb and then I got nervous, I looked at the Jimmy Meter, it was just terribly inconsistent. And then I got hungry...and I thought about a BLT with extra mayo.

Fro: Was that all, you thought about?

VA: Well that and a pickle....

Off screen CUT!


Jay and Silent Bob: What the hell are you guys doing? Look, We came in and started filming this thing because the English guy left, but you are not sticking to the script. We do not have time to fly in a massive pickle and reshoot this thing. It is not in the budget.

Jay: We could get a dick. I mean I know where we could get a dick for half an hour's worth of work.

Bob: No, we can't go get a dick. What we need is a stunt cock. Do you know how much a good stunt cock costs?

Jay: I was talking about a dick, I mean we could go get one. A private eye, a private dick, as it were, is cheap. 30 mins is all we need, tops.
The Greatest Private Dick, maybe ever.

Bob: Looks at Jay sideways. 30 minutes, really?

Jay: Fine, five minutes.

Bob: No, we need a stunt cock. But a good rooster costs money.

Regardless, the point is that we don't have the money for a dick, cock, or a huge f**king pickle or anything even close to looking phallic. So, now, I would like everyone to forget about all of this and go back to the thread. VA take it from the top.

VA: Right clears throat: So, I thought about a huge BLT.

Fro to Ernie Hudson

FP: Start the car already, we got a date with a 40 ft monster f**king sandwich that is pissed off because it never made it on the extra value meal menu.

EH:

Final, Part Deux: Time to spread the Mayo.



Fro turns toward the rear of Ecto 1 and addresses the guys.

FP: Boys, I am not sure how the hell we are going to get out of this one. Any ideas?

VA: We can't eat the sandwich that would take years.


EH: We can't sell the sandwich that would take years.

At that very second, far away....



JJJ: Of course we could sell it! What do you mean we can't sell it? Parker. Get on the horn. Tell ol' Steve down in ....
Phone rings.

JJJ: Answers the phone LOIS! I am in the middle of a meeting. What? The post has to continue? I don't give a rat's... Something about flow and Fro is whining about length? Fine, fine. You tell him, I know he is Spider Man, and you tell him that I saw him at a variety talent show last year, and I thought he was a HACK! YOU TELL HIM, HE IS A HACK! A HACK, LOIS! WHAT? MY BLOOD PRESSURE! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY BLOOD PRESSURE! PARKER, YOU'RE FIRED! LOIS, well, I need you LOIS! Yes, yes, I will still take my 3 o'clock. No, no, I think I'll have the salad with a nice vinaigrette. But go easy on the cheese, okay? Thank you, Lois.

Back to the story.


JD: What is the worse thing you could do to a BLT?...You cook it.

EH: If you cook it, the lettuce wilts, the tomatoes get soggy, and the bacon fries to a crisp.


VA: Don't forget the bread! It burns!

Ecto 1 screeches to a halt, its siren blaring, and then stops.

VA:....
EH: f**k this I am going back to television
FP: Motherpussbucket

JD: It's mutating!




FP: Alright boys, heat up your sticks and let's spread some mayo!




They say the Mayo was spread for forty blocks or more. The city, the Ghostbusters, and everybody in the area was covered in it. But the sandwich, no, the triple decker, BLT, it had been served...hot.



VA: Do you think it was enough?
JD: I mean, it has been a rough year, Fro
EH: The Niners are so inconsistent.
FP: Boys, it was enough. Let's go.

After credits scene

The Sizzler, nowhere, USA.

FP:


Applause. Sitting in the audience are the rest of the Ghostbusters.


VA: I think I am going to try the Ribs.
JD: You eat that and your chance for stroke goes about by 1500%
EH: Looking at JD. I think I'll have the salad.

HEY FRO! A yell comes from the back. Outcomes the manager.

Webbie: Why didn't I make the thread? What the...

Wtf is going on here